We accept the love we think we deserve

I don't know if it was obvious but I just realized how "fake" I sounded in my previous post talking about my most recent semester's results??? I guess I was just still rather bitter and just very meh (for lack of a better word) about the B+, even though I said I wasn't anymore and that I was very grateful???

Probably saying "Thank God for the B+" and inserting 1 Thessalonians 5:18 at the end (like I did in last year's post) was just trying to convince myself that I am okay... But I guess I'm not fully convinced yet la. I don't find myself going back to look at my results (like I did the past semester like the self-obsessed person I am lolol) or find myself feeling genuinely happy with myself for my overall results you know???

I mean of course when I look at the 5 Distinctions, I'm happy la and I wasn't really lying when I said I was "pleased with my results"... I'm just not 100% (or even 80%) happy because now that streak of Distinctions just looks very "tainted"???? And as I reread that post, I just feel so disgusted (???) at myself and I just want to cringe because of how happy I had to make myself sound to be when I really just feel... Indifferent??? Or just very meh in general la. Is this what cognitive dissonance feels like!!!!!!

And it makes me quite sad because I know my family and friends are genuinely happy for me and I know that they mean it when they say they're proud of me but I'm not??? I tell myself that I am and I even tell myself things like "oh I did well so I'm going to let myself buy $33 worth of books" BUT IT'S ALL A BIG LIIIIIEEEEEEEE and it's all just me trying to convince myself to feel good about my results??????

So ya I don't even know where I'm going with this post but the summary is that while I am proud of my grades, I'm just not a 100% proud of them yet (even if I make it seem like I am)((because that's the "right" thing to feel)).

...I guess you can say that I'm a walking contradiction haHA
.
.
.
.
.
And I figured that I really have to love myself first before I can let others love me right??? It's like no matter how many time my family/friends tell me they're proud of me etc, I'll never fully believe it until I learn how to be proud of myself first. But just because I don't let myself accept other's love/support/encouragement(??) yet doesn't mean I don't know that it's there, so thank you :-))) Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you :-))))))) This one is say real one, not fake hahaha