thankful

today I am thankful for lecturers that agree to take >100 silly pictures with their students 

today I am thankful for course mates & friends who genuinely care and are happy for you 

today I am thankful for parents who rushed down to my award ceremony immediately after reaching Singapore 

today I am thankful for a boyfriend* who's constantly been telling me that I'm more than good enough 

today I am thankful that He pulled me through the toughest year of poly yet 

...today I am thankful :-) 

now till 19 August will be hella busy and stressful but I'll get through like I always do amen 

with 2 tests, 1 individual assignment, 1 group report and 4 group presentations to prepare for all I want for my birthday is a lot more time lol 

......3 more weeks before I'm unofficially done with ALL poly assignments & tests and I'll be left with internship in Adelaide and final year project I can do this amen  

iPhone photos 1.88 - Sending Mav off | Day 1/670 & 7/670

18 July (Saturday) 
Met Mav to interview for my group project and then spent the rest of the day crafting out a 12 page long report for Prof Comm........................................... SO BRAIN DRAINING 

fav girl came over for awhile tho :-)


what are you doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


you're such a qt but thanks for messing up my bed 

20 July (Monday) 
the dreaded day of Mav's enlistment :''''''-( 

His parents came to pick me up at Pasir Ris interchange before driving us to the commandos camp :'''-(

The moment we reached the camp, Mav was immediately ushered to the registration booth AWAY FROM US??? And I basically spent the next hour or so with his parents having a brief tour of the place w/o Mav :-(

It was also my first time meeting his mum (dad I met for dinner a week prior to this)((in shorts and slippers and a holographic bag at an expensive jap restaurant)) but it wasn't that awkward la LOL. And his parents are quite funny too??? His dad was looking at the display of army stuff that Mav will get, and he got very fascinated with this swiss army knife... And his mum was like: "you think shopping ah?" HAHAHAHA

and then after a vvvv brief tour of the facilities (actually just the parachute stimulator thing cause commandos HAVE TO JUMP OFF A PLANE EVENTUALLY WTF), we went to hear a few speeches from the high-ranking officers... Afterwards the enlistees were all ushered in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God our seats were quite close to where Mav was standing and we watched him take the pledge/oath!!!!

But after that short 3 minutes the enlistees were ushered away from us AGAIN sobbles
And then his parents and I went to the cookhouse for lunch haha

This wasn't too bad!! Not the best but more than good enough for army food lolol

AND I WAS SO HAPPY cause midway through our meal, the commando came to our table and told us that the enlistees will be joining us soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so happy to finally see u omg

after that we were led back into the foyer...... :-(
"do you know how much time they're giving you to say goodbye's??"
"we actually have to go now already"
:-( :-( :-( :-( :-(

so bummed that we were only together for less than 20 minutes out of the entire 2 hours but just thankful that I got to send you off at the camp itself :-( 

also yes I am very aware that we look HELLA SIMILAR in this picture.....in other pictures as well la and we get that A LOT like from friends and relatives and even my OWN mum??? we've already accepted that fact from the beginning BUT I'd like to think that we got couple face HAHAHA like noPE NooOoOoO of course we don't look like siblings what are you saying??? we just look very compatible yes???

bye commandos-to-be :-( :-(((((((((((((((((((((((
SOBS WATCHING THEM MARCH AWAY WAS SUCH A TEAR-JERKER OMG


snapchat from Jingwen aiyo so sweet
WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS WHOLE ARMY PHASE TOGETHER!!!!!!!!


first army phone call from Mav later on that night ;_;
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when this post goes up, it'll have been exactly one week since Mav enlisted and things are okay la!!! There are some nights where he gets to call for like an hour while other nights (ok actually it has only been once) the calls last for like 2 minutes LOL. It's a bit sian la because Mav is only free to reply after 9pm so from morning to night, I'm basically just talking to myself. But he'll just read through everything I sent and replies them through text/during our phone call, so that's good.

I also think it makes me appreciate our conversations a lot more?? Like when I wake up to a whole chunk of messages for him, it's quite shiok de lor HAHA. And I try to time my naps properly and try to wake up before 8.45pm so I don't sleep through Mav's precious admin time (i.e. time where he gets to call me) LOL.

It's only been the first week so we're still getting used to everything but yeah, so far so good??? I guess we'll just see how this goes hahaha 

"I'm happy to see that you're in a better place now"

I sat with my monsters… I sat with them, until I could love and accept them, until their ugliness turned into a sort of lovely cuteness that I can live with. Still, sometimes they forget their place and start to whisper and then yell. Here’s the thing that I never forget. They are both right and wrong. I am not where I want to be (yet) and I continually strive for more. But I AM good enough, and most days I do better than the day before. Those monsters? They are important to me, a part of me that I don’t want around me all the time, but I need them some of the time. To have them pop in at times so I remember where I have come from. I need them around me simply so I can remember where I have come from, so that I can grow. They force me to look at status quo and through their unwavering gaze, I know I need to change, to move to another plane of being. Other times, I just sit with my monsters, accept them and allow them to be. 

— Lynn DeVasto 

almost exactly 9 months ago (october 23) i was so confused and vulnerable and i plucked up the courage to take the first step to ask because i just wanted answers... but little did i know that i'd be getting a lot more than just answers. over the months i've discovered parts of myself that i didn't even knew existed and i definitely found out a lot more about what my body (and mind) was capable of doing. a few minutes before my first panic attack in mid january i was trembling and shaking and my heart was pounding harder than anything i've experienced before... but i only attributed it to pre-presentation nervousness. that evening, it took me (and 4 other people) around 1h45min to fully calm myself down. it wasn't the last - some were "better", and some were worse (i.e. happened-in-an-auditorium-in-front-of-200-people-and-everybody-had-to-be-evacuated-because-of-me kind of worse). i couldn't breathe properly and i couldn't move from where i had "fell" on the floor. i remember just screaming and bawling because i was so, so, so, so, so scared. i felt like i had been posessed because i had lost ALL control over myself and my mind, and i was terrified that i was going to die. 

it wasn't just the panic attacks that were haunting me: there were the constant rituals that were constantly pushing me to do things 2 or 3 times or more (but never 4 or 6 because they're evil numbers)(8 was a good number though), and the horrible horrible horrible automatic dysfunctional thoughts that told me i wasn't good enough and that the scholarship and multiple distinctions and director's list awards meant NOTHING because I got 14/20 for ONE group project. i'm thankful because i know that there were more good days than there were bad but even on "good" days the thoughts, the rituals, they were still there and i knew they weren't healthy at all. i never really mentioned this here before because i know that there's a stigma with mental health and seeking help, but i did just that. i didn't mean to, but somehow everything fell right into place and i'm glad it did. 

i know i don't have it as "bad" as some others do (and i'm extremely thankful) but it doesn't mean that it wasn't hard. and then again with that being said, it also doesn't mean that there won't be a possibility that things might get even worse in the future. because with anxiety, it never really goes away. it's been almost 7 years and some years are definitely worser than the others, so i know that it's going to come back. but when it does come back, i'm going to know how to deal with it a lot better than i did 9 months ago. today marks the 16th (and the second last one!!!!) and it's not something i'm used to but it's a rather liberating feeling to know that yeah, i am coping a lot better than when i first stepped into that room with the squeaky chair and box of tissues on the table. i'm still learning but i am in a better place right now (though not the best) and like mav said, it is something worth celebrating over so that's... good. 

and i know i've said this like five hundred times but i'm so so so so so so thankful for all the genuine love and support i've received from the people around me over the past year (and more)... and i just hope that i'm not going to disappoint. 

Taro

Indochina, 

Capa jumps jeep, two feets creep up the road 

To photo, to record, meat lumps and war 

They advance as does his chance 

Very yellow white flash! 

A violent wrench grips mass, rips light, tears limbs like rags 

Burst so high finally Capa lands 

Mine is a watery pit 

Painless with immense distance 

From medic, from colleague, friend, enemy, foe, him five yards from his leg 

From you, Taro 

Do not spray into eyes - I have sprayed you into my eyes 

3:10pm 

Capa pends death, quivers, last rattles, last chokes 

All colours and cares glaze to grey 

Shriveled and stricken to dots 

The left hand grasps what the body grasps not 

Le photographe est mort 

3.1415, alive no longer my amour 

Faded for home May of '54 

Doors open like arms, my love 

Painless with a great closeness 

To Capa, to Capa Capa dark after nothing, reunited with his leg 

And with you, Taro 

Do not spray into eyes - I have sprayed you into my eyes 

iPhone photos 1.87 - Bread & Bugis Dates

16 July (Thursday) 

the qt who (not so) surprised me with kaya waffles because I said I was craving for them :'''-) 

thanks for accompanying me to study AGAIN for the thousandth time this month w/o complaining :"-) 

Had dinner at Saizeriya because cheap!!!!!! yums

17 July (Friday) 

half eaten Duke's honey walnut and cranberry walnut (again!!) loaf HEHE


Public holiday so I got to spend an entire day out with Mav at Bugis???????????
We usually hate crowds and going out to shop (especially around town area) but I really wanted to visit this bakery + wear my new fancy skirt HAHAHAHA

Llao Llao cause basic bitch iz me

no raffaelo sauce but cookie sauce was so good too??????? also stupid mav said "I'm going to laugh if you drop your fruits" (because i was holding it almost parallel to the floor just for the pic) and I really dropped my strawberry.............................


I KNOW YOU HATE WALKING AROUND (cause you lazy) BUT THANK U FOR ACCOMPANYING ME TO THE BAKERY :''')

Also after visiting Asanoya Bakery (such a lovely place!!!), we went all the way to Marina Bay MRT because I saw an advertisement for the Deep Sea exhibition at the ArtScience museum and wanted to go!!!! But turns out MBS was at Bayfront MRT (not Marina Bay MRT) wtf so we had to take the MRT back there again.......

And then it was raining when we were walking to the museum and when we FINALLY reached........... the queue for tickets WERE SO LONG like whateven I didn't know anybody would want to go to the museum???? :''''''( so we decided to just watch a movie and took the MRT back to Bugis again.

Bought tickets for the 7.10pm show at 4.30pm and we wanted to go to the National Library... But after running in the heavy rain to get there, we realized it was closed because public holiday????????

Waiting at the shelter (cause RAIN) for the pedestrian crossing light to turn green
we were very sad and wet nerds after we crossed the road back to Bugis Junction LOL

finally found a place to sit at Marble Slab where Mav bought this disgustingly sweet milkshake (ew) and spent the next 1.5hours reading our books LOLOLOL damn geeky right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:-)))


Dinner at Astons before our movie!!!


"Are you taking a picture" .......... "meh"

Went to watch 'Magic Mike XXL' afterwards which was not too bad??????? basically just a lot of half-naked dancing men but all dem abs ABS abssssssss

told Mav to text me "kaya peanut" because I wanted to try that bread combi when I reached home... But instead he took a picture of my $8 bread to remind me how much bread I still have to finish first??????? :-(


RUDE


but still cute and mine!!!!  

so so so so glad to have spent at least one entire day out w/ you (uninterrupted by school!!!!) before you enlisted ;-; 

day 4/670

"we've been counting down and it's 14 more days till we book out on 6 Aug!! i'll be having dinner with my parents on 6th, and lunch on 7th and I'm meeting you on the 8th but do you want to meet for dinner on 7th?" 

"it's okay you can re.." 

"NO I want to meet you" 

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. 

. 

today was supposedly the "unofficial" start of your harsh training in commandos camp but when you called me today, you excitedly told me about how it wasn't that bad and that you woke up today feeling really psyched about army. you went on about the 5m (!!!) jump into the pool that yall had to do and you told me how fun it was and about that one funny incident that happened during the jump and just hearing you so happy made me really happy for you too :-) 

was in a rather meh mood before you called but my mood instantly improved when you said that you'd have more admin time (i.e. free time) today + in the next upcoming weeks and today our call lasted for 27 minutes which is a HUGE contrast to yesterday's 2min call but regardless of how long the calls are I'm just thankful that you'd set aside your VERY precious rest time to call and just check up on me :-))) 

things are slowly starting to pick up and I'm just vvvvvvvvvv happy now ((also army has made you cheesy af but who's complaining I love cheese HAHAHA)) 

day 2/670

"I miss you so much you don't even know. I gotta go I'm so sorry I couldn't msg much, was preparing for inspection. I'll try to at least msg tmrw. goodnight, I love you." 

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. 

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we used to take 12 minutes to reply each other (on quick days)((on not-so-quick days we can take up to 4 hours haha)) but now 12 minutes is all we have to tell each other everything that happened to us in the past 24 hours

even though my day is always the same old (studying) and your day is probably much more eventful than mine, the very first thing you'd ask when I answer your call is "how's your day?" and whenever I try to ask about yours instead, you always still end up wanting to just ask/talk about me ("how's studying?" "are you stressed out?" "how about you, did you sleep well last night?" "are you going to stay up tonight to study?" "that's good, see everything will turn out well")

and even after all that you still apologized for talking so much but little did you know all I wanted to hear was your voice and I didn't mind it one single bit but it was also that very voice that sent me into tears because I miss you so bad and hearing your voice after an entire day of nothing from you was so overwhelming & comforting & it felt so much like home

you've been such a constant part of my life for the past few months and even when you were in Tibet for almost 2 weeks we still had at least 2 hours to talk each day but now it's complete silence and I don't want to sound so overly attached to u because Jerlyn it's only been a few months hello???? but I am!!!!!!!! : (

you still tried to lighten the mood when you told me you probably won't have time to call me tomorrow because you'd "be getting married" (to your rifle) and i'm vvvv thankful for that and for you and for everything : ( it's only day two!!!! we'll get used to this yo 

iPhone photos 1.86 - Popiah | Llao Llao | School :-(

11 July (Saturday) 

Duke Bakery's cheese and cranberry walnut loaf :''') so expensive but so good :'''')

MORE BREAD AND MORE HUMAN FACTORS ew

thank u for coming over again to fix my (then) DYING laptop....

....and for lending me your own so that I have something to use to complete my assignments :'''''''''(

also desktop damn messy i cannot tahan HAHAHA but BOYS pfft

went out for dinner with my family after Mav went bacccckkkkk

ALSO SALMON SASHIMI IPHONE 6 COVER (and other new designs!!!) on my Carousell @jerlynthegreat lolol please support thank u

and had popiah party at my aunt's house!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE POPIAH

my homie jingwen :-* lub chu

12 July (Sunday) 

Baker Talent's Super Cheezy bread WHICH I LOVE (idk why this bun's cheese fillings so weirdly placed at the side because it's usually in the center lolol)

and more Duke's cranberry walnut

dinner with my entire family AFTER 5EVA :'')

My parents bought back 4 fingers and oyster mee sua and sushi

and!!!!!!!!!!!!

LLAO LLAO OMG WITH MY FAV RAFFAELO SAUCE AND CHOCOLATE MUESLI AND CARAMELIZED BISCUITS for $18!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank u mummy papa :-*

13 July (Monday) 

Llao Llao for breakfast because I can

Assessment & Personality project in the morning s0bs s0bs s0bs

but it was a pretty productive 3 hours la........ just that by the time our lecture started MY COGNITIVE RESOURCES ALL DEPLETED and i could not pay attention for nuts

14 July (Tuesday) 

Pao Pao

Correlation analyses for Special Project s0bs

Actually statistics is quite interesting la............ provided you understand what the heck is going on

Studying (but not really) with PSIG president, Hana, before PSIG meeting

cause good hair day!!!!!!

15 July (Wednesday) 

Wah Pheow who left our Special Project meeting halfway......

...To collect a book from a seller on Carousell........................ really is last warning sia this supervisor HAHAHAHAHAHA (but in all honesty wah pheow's a legit good lecturer la)

was supposed to do our prof comm group project but...............

Hey! Gorgeous filming!!!!!!!

New boots that I traded on Carousell for vvvv cheap hehehehehe

Not my usual "style" but I got it for the intentions of wearing it to Australia when I go for Overseas Internship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hehehe excited????

thank u for staying up with me again