So I went on an angry (individual) rampage yesterday on Twitter but I still have a few things to get out of my system. And I know it's horrible to ruminate... But to justify myself it's more than just ranting, but also to create awareness (ha ha).
I've mentioned this to a few people but really I think only 2 of my really really close friends remember. I think I have OCD, and I've remembered showing signs of it even when I was 12. I didn't really know what "it" really was, but I knew it wasn't "normal". I'm not clinically diagnosed (yet), but I really want to be, just so I can be sure. I've done quite a fair bit of research before I came to the conclusion la, and I'm 99.999% sure that I have OCD.
I'm
not a professional, and I could be writing all this and end up not being clinically diagnosed OCD lololol (but in all honesty if I don't have OCD I must be suffering from something else because what I'm going through really isn't very "normal"). I'm just writing this because I really want people to (try to) understand what OCD is before coming to wrong conclusions la.
OCD stands for
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and it's an anxiety disorder characterized by obsessions -
recurring intrusive thoughts and compulsions -
compulsive rituals/behaviors (hence the name duh).
When people think of OCD, they think of people who are very persistent in having everything in perfect order OR people who are excessively germophobic. While I don't disagree completely, OCD is
more than being a perfectionist or a germophobe, and this is what a lot of people don't understand.
If you don't understand what OCD is, I really don't blame you because it's not very "straightforward" (as with other mental disorders) and it's not something people who don't have it can understand easily?
But if there's ONE thing I want people to understand about OCD, it is the first point I'm going to mention. And clearly it means a big deal to me because it was what started this whole blog post off lolol.
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1. Do not say you have OCD if you don't
Or say someone else has OCD based on just a
single behavior. Not only OCD but just any mental disorders in general, really.
"I can't stand when this isn't colour coordinated, I'm so
OCD"
"Are you
anorexic/bulimic?"
"I'm going to go into
depression if I don't get this"
"Don't be
autistic and go talk to people"
I used to use words like depressed or retarded very freely, until I realized how much it sucks when someone just freely uses the word "OCD". Mental disorders are
NOT to be used as adjectives. Suffering from a mental disorder is
NOT a funny matter, neither is it a joke. Saying you have a mental disorder when you clearly don't is
hurtful to those who
actually know what it's like to live with that mental disorder. And honestly sometimes it can/may come off as insensitive and MAAAAY be on the verge of disrespectful.
And yes, OCD symptoms present both in a variety of ways as well as varying degrees. But unless you are educated on the disorder, have seen a therapist, or have some sort of confirmation other than your own unfortunate desire to connect with me about this -- I'm going to be honest and let you know I really, really don't want to hear your superficial self-diagnosis.
Here's why: It's insensitive to diminish OCD to the one, slightly obsessive or compulsive behavior you have. It shows a serious lack of understanding of what OCD is and does, and is a subtle yet powerful way of saying "Oh, we all have that! It's not that big of a deal."
Because even if color-coding your closet is an annoying habit -- and I'll give it to you, maybe even an "obsession" or "compulsion" -- your comment comparing this to actual, medically-diagnosed OCD comes off as an underhanded way of telling me that it's not only something that everyone has, but something that doesn't warrant psychiatric or therapeutic attention.
Source: x
I know some people probably don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings because they genuinely do not know how it can affect others. So my point is if you have done it, I don't hate you, I just REALLY don't like what you said.
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1b) Do not say "Me too!" when someone says they have OCD if you don't
Link back to point 1.
No, you
will never understand what it's like to have OCD (or any mental disorder)(you get my drift) if you don't.
Yes it's okay to say you understand the frustration that
comes with OCD (e.g. "yeah I understand you're frustrated because of your OCD").
Yes it's okay to empathize with someone with OCD.
Yes it's okay to help them get through their mental disorder and understand that they might do things a certain way.
It, however, is
not okay to say you understand what OCD feels like when you clearly don't.
"I have OCD"
"Me too!! I understand you because I always colour coordinate my plates"
I mean if you were trying to make me feel better, thanks for the effort though. Probably wasn't the best way to do it, but thanks haha.
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2. It's more than just wanting everything in order/being germophobic/what it's stereotyped as
This is why I really don't like it when people say they have OCD just because of that ONE obsessive behavior they have. It is
more than just that and it's more serious than you think it is.
Imagine your worst fear and multiply it many times and this is how a person with OCD can feel. I’m petrified of heights but I would rather stand on the top of Canary Wharf than experience some of my OCD fears and thoughts as my fear of heights doesn’t frighten me anywhere near as much. Plus if I were to stand on the top of Canary Wharf, once I returned to the ground that fear would be gone and forgotten about but not so with my OCD fears.
Source: x
Obsessions are recurring, uncontrollable, unwanted, intrusive thoughts like fear of contracting a disease like cancer or AIDS, or fears of doing harm to your loved ones.
Compulsions are compulsive rituals or behaviors.
To make it simpler and to try to explain it in layman terms:
OCD =
Obsessions (thoughts) +
Compulsions (behavior)
Obsessions >
Anxiety/Distress > Perform
compulsions to relieve distress
But it gets rather complicated here. Compulsions only temporarily relieve the distress, because the obsessions will come back again no matter how many compulsions people with OCD perform. It never really "goes away". Also,
Some people with OCD perform rituals not in response to a distinct obsession or fear but rather in response to certain sensory phenomena. Visual, auditory or tactile sensations may trigger a need for something to look, sound, or feel “just right.”
Upon seeing a tile floor, for example, a person may experience a need to trace over each of the tiles mentally in a symmetrical fashion.
Source: x
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To give you a few examples of
obsessions people with OCD (i.e. me who is 99.9999% I have OCD) get:
Fear of contracting a disease like AIDS or cancer
I once turned down my friends' invitation to watch 'My Sister's Keeper' in the cinema because I felt like if I went, I'd get cancer. Ya ha Hah haHA not funny
Fear of causing harm/death to a loved one or myself
This one is quite frequent lol. (To give you one example out of the many) I prefer putting my shoes pointing towards my house door because house = safe, as opposed to pointing away from my house door because = unsafe.
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I've always wanted to write this post about my OCD but never dared to, because I feared that the "OCD devil" will harm me/my family if I revealed this "dark secret" of mine?? Which is why my OCD blogposts are labeled as 'DCO' lolol.
But I think obsessions/compulsions chamge over time (esp when you learn how to gain control over your obsessions)(I'm not fully there yet but I'm trying)... And additionally, I think my need to have more awareness about OCD overrules my fear of the "OCD devil". Hahahahahaha.
Fears relating to numbers
I don't like doing things 4 or 6 times because 4 in Chinese sounds like death, and I associate 6 with the devil's number. I also don't like doing things in odd numbers sometimes.
This is why when I leave home, I usually check if my front door is locked about 5 to 8 times. Which is why I really don't like opening/closing my front door because it
really takes up a lot of time lol.
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I used to have to touch objects a certain number of times too, but it doesn't happen as often as it does now.
Fears relating to discarding something
Hoarding. I keep receipts and some (admittedly) useless items. Sometimes my "reasoning" is that if I throw an item away, the person associated with the item will die.
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I didnt dare to throw away the blue pen I used for writing exam notes when it ran out of ink... Because I felt like it would be like throwing away all my "studying knowledge" wtf. I think I even kept it in my pencil case till mt exams officially finished.
Fears of germs/contamination
This one is no joke. When I was in Sec 1, I went through this hand sanitizer craze which started because of H1N1. I thought it was just because of H1N1 that made me fear germs so much but I guess it was just the "trigger" lol. I went through a few months being so afraid of being contaminated with germs like NO JOKE IT WAS SO SCARY.
I would not touch pencil lead, rust, eraser dust or even rubber bands because to me they were "poisonous" and "fatal". I went through this whole period constantly washing my hands more than 5 times per minute, constantly finishing up bottles after bottles of hand sanitizers.
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I even placed my blanket over my bedsheet to sleep on it (hence sleeping with no blanket) because I didn't want to touch the small black ("unknown deadly substance") dot on my bedsheet.
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In secondary school, our tables and chairs' legs had rust all over and it FREAKED me out. When my school bag touched the rust, I kept the bag and never touched it till a few months later. And everytime I accidentally touched rust, I would start counting down and see if I was going to die (from touching rust) within 2 hours. I think this "phase" ended in Sec 2.
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This is quite recent but touching money can sometimes be a bit uncomfortable because imagine how many people have touched that note before???????????
Fears related to having something to be "just right" or "perfect"
The thing is, I don't even know what defines "just right". We (I) just do things until it feels "right".
I used to go through this "phase" in Sec 2 where I would use overexcessively long "AHAHAHAHA LOL"s. Sometimes my "AHAHAHA" can be as short as "AHAHA", sometimes it really goes to "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA". It depends on my definition of "just right" at that moment in time. And it's really very awkward (for me and the receiever of my SMS) when my definition of a "just right" is when the "AHAHAHA" is 200 letters long.
And it must always start with "A", it cannot be "HAHAHAHA".
Neither can it be "AHHHAHAHA", all A's and H's must come after the other, no AA or HH.
And it must always end with a "LOL".
All for no particular reason. It just feels "right".
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And during exams especially when there's a higher "risk", I will rewrite my words over and over and over again. Even if they look fine to others, it might not look "fine" (or "just right") to me?? Sometimes I even rewrite my own name 5 times on my lecture slide notes.
Which is really annoying because it does not only waste time but also waste my correction tape lol lol lol lol lol. Especially during exams like hello rushing to finish the question, I have no time to rewrite the word "and" 7 times?????
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I can't even throw rubbish like a "normal" person would because I'd always have to make sure that the rubbsh I just threw, fell in the "right" position. If it didn't (I.e. facing wrong direction / in the wrong angle / upside down), I'd literally put my hand in the dustbin to arrange the rubbish till I'm satisfied lolol.
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(Source: x)
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And this is just a small portion of the things I have to think about on a day to day basis. All these "compulsions" have been a part of my life for so long it's hard to pinpoint because I'm already used to it. Some I just dk how to explain. Like how I sometimes scrape the side of my tongue on my teeth (because I cant stand when my tongue touches my teeth)(lol) or touch the insides of my eyeball or press down on my thumbnails. These compulsions I hate the most because doing it repetitively is painful la. Checking my door locks or rewriting words are not as "bad" as these lol. I don't even know why I do it. I just do.
And ya I know, everything sounds very "stupid" "outrageous" "unbelievable" "irrational"... Which brings me to my next point.
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3. People with OCD know that what they're doing is irrational and wrong
Let's be clear: If you regularly check your pockets to confirm that you've still got your car keys, or if you prefer your sandwiches with the crust cut off, or if you only eat red Starbursts, you're not suffering from OCD.
Those are just quirks ... People like quirks when they're cute, fun, and harmless. When they involve licking light switches or hitting yourself over the head with your shoe, people just think you're "crazy."
But you'll believe it of yourself as well. You'll be standing in your bathroom at three in the morning, scrubbing your pocket change because you've been awake for hours wondering if it could contaminate your clothes and make you a danger to the people around you, and you'll be unable to stop, but you'll know that what you're doing is crazy.
People with personality disorders usually think they're always in the right, and people with psychosis often don't realize that their delusions are coming from their heads. But one of the defining aspects of OCD is knowing that your thoughts are bizarre and your rituals are senseless. Additionally, OCDers don't even get any joy out of their compulsions. Relief, sure, but it's temporary, like scratching a mosquito bite or responding to a YouTube comment. You don't want to count all the leaves on every tree you pass, you have to.
Source: x
I think this is pretty self explanatory. And the thing is people with OCD know that these compulsions may not even relate to the obsession, but we do it anyway "just because".
You know how a lot of superstitions don't make a lot of sense most of the times (if not all)... Yet people still do it anyway?? I think multiply that by a thousand folds and you get OCD. Yuuuuup.
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You really don't know how and what goes through the mind of someone with OCD unless you have it... It's distracting and terrifying but there's really nothing much you can do about it?? And there's no cure?? Lol. And I think my OCD is already quite mild so I really dont know how those with more severe OCD can cope??
Anyway, this has probably got to be one of the longest blog posts I've written, and one I've put a lot of effort (and emotions) in lolol. Idk how many people would have the patience to read through every single thing, but if you did then thank you :) Really.
I really don't mean to offend anyone but it's something that has been bothering me for a really long time. And idk even if reading this will make anyone understand OCD better but I hope it gave someone at least a better understanding. Because that's all I really want la.
P.S. Scheduled post!!! So "yesterday" in this post really isn't yesterday hahaha.
