sick

"People assume you aren't sick
unless they see the sickness on your skin
like scars forming a map of all the ways you're hurting.

My heart is a prison of Have you tried?s 
Have you tried exercising? Have you tried eating better?
Have you tried not being sad, not being sick?
Have you tried being more like me?
Have you tried shutting up?

Yes, I have tried. Yes, I am still trying,
and yes, I am still sick.

Sometimes monsters are invisible, and
sometimes demons attack you from the inside.
Just because you cannot see the claws and the teeth
does not mean they aren't ripping through me.
Pain does not need to be seen to be felt.

Telling me there is no problem
won't solve the problem.

This is not how miracles are born.
This is not how sickness works."
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i found a tag on tumblr called actuallyocd and reading it made me feel like, hey, people understand me. it made me feel better because i had always been afraid that i'm always overreacting when people use mental disorders as an adjective/trivialize mental disorders, but i'm not the only one..........and it was all good until one post was quite triggering because it was a compulsion i could relate to and my chest felt tight and half of my brain was saying "read something else dont read that post again" but the other half of my brain was saying "read it again keep ruminating!! have u had that compulsion???? are you going to start doing that again??? are you???????". and i had to tear myself away from that page because idw to start a new compulsion again and idw to make things worse because i remember the last time i was filming for my abnormal psych video, one of the compulsions featured was zipping and rezipping a pencil case and after looking at that video for so many times i started generalizing that zipping compulsion to not just my pencil case's zipper but every. zipper. i. saw. and it was one of the worst compulsions i've gotten but thank god for exposure & response prevention therapy (where ms f made me touch the zipper of all her pouches and laptop cases again and again but did not allow me to rezip it again) because although horrid, it worked la haha sigh 

moral of the story: pls just don't say you're "a little bit ocd" because it is the most insensitive thing you could ever say to someone who does have ocd and know what it's really like tyvm =))))))))))))