I admit I've talked shit and complained about you from time to time ever since we stopped talking in Feb '14. I wasn't upset over the "break up" (apostrophes because we technically were never actually official), but I definitely felt resentful, indignant, bitter... And used.
But I guess it wasn't always bad. In the beginning you'd meet me on Saturday's after my morning Chinese remedial classes, send me home every day after school (even after my CCA ended at 6.30pm), bought me meals every time we went out. I remember there was one day we had went to NEX's pastamania for lunch and I had a horrible stomach cramp. You immediately rushed out and came back a few minutes later with box of painkillers and it was nice to be cared for so I thank you for that. But the happiness was short-lived and everything just went down hill after 4-5 months. I don't even know what we argued about but we could argue about anything. There were a lot of miscommunications but I thought I loved you, and we stayed together. At that point you also didn't want to acknowledge me as the girl you were dating either which sucked because what's the point of you hiding me anyway???
Then it was June '12, where doubts and a lot of uncertainties started coming in and I admit, I reaaaally broke your heart. I guess it was here where things just got even worse than before, because we could never go back to where we once were (even though I really tried my best to clear the doubts I had). I don't remember whatever happened in between anymore, but we still continued going out after that incident (albeit a bit awkward at first). It took a lot to build your trust in me again, but it happened eventually. It still didn't change the fact that we'd argue constantly anyway, because we still did.
The beginning of 2013 we got into two separate huge fights, of which resulted in a month long "cold war" each. The Cold War (and every other argument we had) always ended the same way: you'd text me and pretend like nothing ever happened, and I'd accept it. And I guess that was why we never got to fix anything. We'd always just covered it up, swept it under the rug, and never ever talked about it again.
For those 2 whole years, we were always considered an "item" by our friends... But it never even felt like we were. After a few months into the "relationship", you stopped holding my hands and you stopped saying "I love you". You constantly picked on my insecurities and when I got upset, you'd just laugh and say "I was just kidding la". You'd tell me to change this and change that ("stop talking so loud", "look at that stomach fat", "can you please change this, I keep telling you it's not nice") and you forced me into doing things I didn't want to do by taking advantage of our "relationship". You were always invalidating my emotions mostly because you had it "worse" ("what is ocd, ocd is fake", "oh you're stressed about your exams? I have 6 exams, you don't even have that many"; "oh you miss your father? I don't even get to see mine either") and you never bothered to listen to how I truly felt. You never gave me the respect I deserved and after awhile I actually believed that I deserved to be treated like that.
For the longest time, I never really felt happy or like I could truly be myself around you. I still went along with you, because I was so used to being with you and feeling that way. Eventually I began to keep my feelings from you and I slowly started to find excuses to not see you. But the real turning point for me was when I saw a tweet that said something like "you either end up marrying or breaking up with the person you're dating". That sentence really made me realize that I not just didn't want to marry you, I was terrified.
I was at fault for not telling you why I stopped replying you as frequently as before, why I stopped answering your calls and why I stopped wanting to go out with you. I never gave you the closure you deserved (I guess) but after realizing that I didn't want to be with you, I couldn't wait to just remove you from my life asap. I gave myself the release I needed, and honestly I regret nothing.
.
.
.
I guess despite it all, I should still thank you for the biggest lesson I've been taught: I deserve better.
I deserved someone who really took the time to know about me,
Someone who knew immediately the moment I was upset,
Someone who never lets an argument go unsettled,
Someone who was proud to introduce me to his friends & family,
Someone who always listened to my side of the story,
Someone who does nice things for me and never expects anything in return,
Someone who tells me he loves me multiple times a day,
Someone who constantly assures me about my worth,
And someone who never makes me doubt his love for me.
I still feel very bitter that I wasted 2 years of my life with you (lol) but... thank you for helping me appreciate the love I get to experience now a lot more.
For those 2 whole years, we were always considered an "item" by our friends... But it never even felt like we were. After a few months into the "relationship", you stopped holding my hands and you stopped saying "I love you". You constantly picked on my insecurities and when I got upset, you'd just laugh and say "I was just kidding la". You'd tell me to change this and change that ("stop talking so loud", "look at that stomach fat", "can you please change this, I keep telling you it's not nice") and you forced me into doing things I didn't want to do by taking advantage of our "relationship". You were always invalidating my emotions mostly because you had it "worse" ("what is ocd, ocd is fake", "oh you're stressed about your exams? I have 6 exams, you don't even have that many"; "oh you miss your father? I don't even get to see mine either") and you never bothered to listen to how I truly felt. You never gave me the respect I deserved and after awhile I actually believed that I deserved to be treated like that.
For the longest time, I never really felt happy or like I could truly be myself around you. I still went along with you, because I was so used to being with you and feeling that way. Eventually I began to keep my feelings from you and I slowly started to find excuses to not see you. But the real turning point for me was when I saw a tweet that said something like "you either end up marrying or breaking up with the person you're dating". That sentence really made me realize that I not just didn't want to marry you, I was terrified.
I was at fault for not telling you why I stopped replying you as frequently as before, why I stopped answering your calls and why I stopped wanting to go out with you. I never gave you the closure you deserved (I guess) but after realizing that I didn't want to be with you, I couldn't wait to just remove you from my life asap. I gave myself the release I needed, and honestly I regret nothing.
.
.
.
I guess despite it all, I should still thank you for the biggest lesson I've been taught: I deserve better.
I deserved someone who really took the time to know about me,
Someone who knew immediately the moment I was upset,
Someone who never lets an argument go unsettled,
Someone who was proud to introduce me to his friends & family,
Someone who always listened to my side of the story,
Someone who does nice things for me and never expects anything in return,
Someone who tells me he loves me multiple times a day,
Someone who constantly assures me about my worth,
And someone who never makes me doubt his love for me.
I still feel very bitter that I wasted 2 years of my life with you (lol) but... thank you for helping me appreciate the love I get to experience now a lot more.
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