Time check: 3.53am
Which means 2 more hours to my sleeping time + 4.5 more hours to my waking time
I'm honestly really scared, afraid, fearful, terrified, frightened for the future. Specifically for the month of February because CNY + Term Tests + Assignments + Group (friggin) Projects and I don't know how I'm going to cope (the fact that I've managed to cope relatively well for the past 3 semesters doesn't. even. help). APRP-B is horrid and I have so many things to settle..... I had to try to get enough iPads for my research study because not enough iPads = not enough data = doOooOoOooM. I had my hopes high and expected to be able to find some more but when I didn't, I just felt so dejected and scared and upset and I just burst out sobbing and I felt so ridiculous??
And then I remembered what Ms F told me about focusing on the present moment and I got so fed up because I just couldn't do it. I tried focusing on my breathing but after like 1 1/2 exhalations I just gave up and I felt frustrated because it's supposed to work and it's supposed to stop me from stressing out but I can't?? I started questioning the whole theory of focusing on the present moment like wtf how do you NOT think about the future when you have like 122412 due dates coming up WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE PRESENT IS THE ONLY TIME THAT WILL MATTER
And then I wasn't even done with my research for my project meeting tomorrow (!!!!!!!)(still not done yet) and I had no clue about another project and idk I'm just scared out of my wits.
And here's probably where I'm supposed to come in with a very apt bible verse and my lesson of the day but I really don't have one in mind lol. It's not like I've completely stopped believing in Him and I know of bible verses that would be appropriate but I'm not convinced and I'm scared and I know I shouldn't be but I am and I can't deny that.
But I'm still going to try to convince myself because I need to
So the whole thought in my head that started this post was how scary religion is because you're believing in someone you can't see. The pastor at Kim's church said this to us and I thought it was really true. "No man is going to come back from death and tell you there's a Heaven". But then afterwards he said that we shouldn't depend on man's word, but His word, and just remember like what He has done for you in the past la.
And the lock screen on my phone says "Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8), which I just really noticed when I took the webcam pic HahhHAha which is ironic because I see that lock screen everyday but I only just really noticed it now (FAILURE TO ENCODE INFO). But anyway. The One who helped me get through a semester a few months ago, is still the same One who's going to help me get through this semester right??? +++++++++++++ I also just realized as I typed that verse out that even if I'm still struggling to NOT keep focusing on the future (but the present), He'll still be there for me in the future (like He is right now)........ So what do I have to worry about???
And I guess I'm still afraid la I'm not going to lie and say I'm 100% convinced....... But I'm learning. And I guess I'll be okay.
Time check: 4.23am so I realllllllllllyy should get back to work. At least I'll be meeting my project group at 11am in the morning tomorrow so I'll be forced to finish up my part in the afternoon INSTEAD OF FINISHING IT UP AT 4AM IN THE MORNING lol
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(Edit) Time check: 4.57am
Was reading Hebrews 11:1-40 for my daily devotional... And I felt so empowered!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I FELT CONVINCED.
"It was by faith that the people of Israel went right through the Red Sea as though they were on dry ground. But when the Egyptians tried to follow, they were all drowned ... Through acts of faith, they toppled kingdoms, made justice work, took the promises for themselves. They were protected from lion, fires and sword thrusts, turned disadvantage into advantage, won battles, routed alien armies."
Thank You, thank You, thank You, for showing me what I needed to see.
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