I don't even know where to start, and I don't even know how I feel about this whole situation. I feel relieved, upset, angry, disappointed all at once and I don't even know which emotion I feel the most.
It was (rather) obvious right from the start that you preferred hanging out with the others more. I expected it to happen, so when it did, I wasn't surprised. All the inside jokes and talking about the trip and wearing the same clothes... I felt jealous, maybe slightly upset. But I wasn't surprised. I knew it made you happy and I didn't mind. But then it got quite... Overwhelming (?) over time. You didn't seem like you wanted to talk with us more like you wanted to talk to them, you got so hard to talk to and you seemed annoyed almost all the time, you were physically with us but your heart and mind felt like it wasn't. We were assigned to be group members, but you kept talking about wanting to be grouped with the others. You didn't seem happy or even relieved that I was in the same group as you. But that's okay. You guys started going out together, and you only invited me AFTER the 3 of you were discussing about your plans (literally) in front of me, and only after she said "Do you want to invite Jerlyn?" right in front of my face. And you seemed reluctant to ask me, like you were forced. And that wasn't okay (even though I really didn't want to go at all because what you all wanted to do was against my personal principles)(but still, ouch).
We didn't exclude you or treated you as an outcast in the first place. But when you kept hanging out with them and not us, were the 6 of us supposed to stop all interactions and "bonding" with each other just because you weren't there? I don't know if this is me overthinking but if you expected all of us (or at least the 2 of us) to follow you while you hang out with the new clique, I don't think it's very fair for us? Just because we didn't feel comfortable hanging out with you and the others, doesn't mean we want to be a new exclusive group and exclude you. Just because we didn't go for the movie ( like the other 1/2 of the class) doesn't mean you could have said we're "not a part of 02". Just because I moved to sit with my own project group members instead of you doesn't mean that I was "having fun over there" without you. I'm upset because it seems like we're the ones who started this whole thing, when we didn't even do anything at all. You (really really really seemed like you) wanted them more than us, so we let you be. You chose to hang out with them first. We didn't kick you out, we didn't exclude you. All we did was just go ahead like we usually do even after you left.
But at the same time, I really don't want you to think that way. Not because I don't want to look like the bad guy, but because at the end of the day, you're still my special friend. I don't want you to feel like everything I said to you or everything we convinced you to think of was all just a lie. You say you'd be used to it because it happened before and I don't want you to see us the same as the others who once let you down. You say it's because of you that it keeps happening but I want you to know that it's not.
We're not even on talking terms now and it's weird and it's sad and it's nervewrecking and I don't want to have to be afraid to walk into the class or walk around school, afraid that I'd bump into you anymore.
Maybe I'm still really really really really really upset at you and at this and I can't bring myself to make the first move but I know I shouldn't and I know you deserve more.
Sigh
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