even in the dust, we shine

It's 2.45am as I'm typing this and I need to get up at 6.15am... Have 4 out of 5 9am classes per week for this semester's timetable which really suck balls lol. Really don't like squeezing with all the office workers and 9am classes means waking up ~2 1/2 hours earlier as compared to ~1 1/2 hours earlier for classes 10am onwards. 

I just feel absolutely terrified of school. I was never one to really detest school with a burning passion even though I'm really on the verge of doing so lol. I know people always say you get to see your friends in school, but I can always see them outside of school hours too??? I'm just really scared of getting back into my whole "everyday-study-or-feel-guilty" routine and I hate thinking about the endless lists of things I have to do. Thinking about my weekly planner just makes me absolutely sick because it was ALWAYS filled with to-do lists and check boxes. And I hate hate hate hate hate it. I never expected the workload to be this much when I first came into poly. I hate that EVERYTHING; every assignment, every project, every test and exam, counts in my overall resulting GPA when I graduate. 

I mean I guess I don't hate all the workload and all the assignments I have to do or school in general... I really have to count my blessings because I get to learn about all these things I never knew about and that I have the opportunity to even go to school to study. I guess what I really hate is the fact that I ALWAYS pressurize myself into being that "perfect" student with perfect grades. 

I'm just really scared because I hate feeling pressurized even though I'm the one pressurizing myself..... I never felt this way about school before and I'm so so so nervous. I really hope to push up my grades even more because I really, really, really want to get into a local university and as much as I love traveling and being overseas, the actual thought of studying overseas makes me homesick PLUS it's so expensive lol wtf imagine all the airplane tickets/school fees/lodging/food etc???? 

AND THE FACT THAT THE NEXT 2 MONTHS HOLIDAY IS IN SEPTEMBER MAKES ME REALLY QUITE SAD HONESTLY... And the 2 weeks holiday in June doesn't even count because there will most likely still be assignments to rush and do...... 

Lol ok la I really don't know what to expect I just really want to do well yet I don't want to stress myself too much but if I don't pressurize myself what if my grades don't improve or what if I don't live up to my own standards lol aiya ok ok go to sleep now it's 3am lol wtf sigh UGH 

My circadian rhythm needs to readjust back to my whole poly schedule but it'd probably take my brain like 3 days to readjust (if what I remember from Physio Psy is correct HAHA) ok goodnightz.