(ab)normal

And even if I know why I make all these mental lists in my head that I excessively go through over and over and over again 

Or know why I always pluck my finger nails even up to the point where it bleeds and there's nothing left to pluck off  

Or know why I had to keep saying the same exact prayer with the same exact words in the same exact order for days/weeks/months straight 

Or know why I was deadly afraid and determined that I was going to die in three hours if I accidentally touched the rust on my clothes hanger 

Or know why I rub my tongue across my teeth so much that the sides of my tongue is always covered in ulcers 

Or why I have the urge to touch my eyeballs with my bare fingers 

Or know why I used to take way longer than I should have reading a book because I have to read that sentence again and again even though it's the fifth time I've done it 

Or why I'm irrationally afraid of getting HIV from that small blood stain on the floor because "the HIV virus is going to transmit through the air and touch me and it's going to find an open wound somewhere on my body and find a way to get in" 

So what? It's not even being upset (anymore) that I cannot control this (because I know I can't) or upset that I'm different/weird/abnormal (because I know I'm not) but because I fully know that I will never ever ever get out of this or even be able to experience what it's like to have my brain function the way it should be.