I'm just getting more tired and tired as the year/semester progresses. Today I not only felt mentally drained out but physically drained out as well? It's a feeling I cannot put into words but every part of me just felt so heavy.. I always complain about being so caught up with work on my blog and I dare not say this time it's worse, because who knows what will happen in the future?
Idk why I felt so physically drained out today lol maybe it's just all the consequences of the 2 hours of sleep I've had for the past month finally catching up with my body lololol. I was reading through my archives and chanced upon a blog post where I thought "3 hours of sleep" was soOOooOoOo detrimental and such a big deal but look at me now!!! But then again WHO KNOWS what will happen in the future HA HA I might probably end up just having 1 hour of sleep or no sleep at all.
People always say "don't worry about things that won't matter in 2 years time".
But how do I tell myself that my grades won't matter in 2 years time? Like of course my grades will matter in 10 years time, let alone 2. I need good grades to enter a university, I need good grades to get a Masters, I need good grades to get a good job. I need good grades to get me a source of income. I need good grades to be respected.
But the thing is I don't even know what I really want to do in life. I know I want to continue studying Psychology. But what comes after? Work?? I don't even know what I want to work as la seriously. I came into Psychology thinking I want to be a counsellor, but taking Counseling Psych just made me realize it really isn't the path for me? And then I tell people around me that I want to be a clinical psychologist after hearing one's speech in Perth. But do I really know what it takes to be a clinical psychologist? What it means to be one? Or whether I can even be one in the first place?
It's not like I don't tell myself to "not only focus on grades". But how not to when everything really just depends on my grades?????? I can't just "not care" from now on, and just let my GPA fall??? I still have 1 1/2 more years of poly la I can't just "not care" about my grades.
I don't even know how I feel about everything now. The past few months have just been a mundane routine over and over again. Everything is the same, boring, tiring thing over and over again. The only thing really different or "interesting" every day is probably the different assignments I have to finish up/chapters I have to study lol. I don't want to say life has no meaning because that sounds way too emo lol but right now all I'm really doing is trying to make it through the deadlines and all la.
And I guess I'm angry. Just angry and frustrated. This isn't how I want to spend my teenage years??? AND I'M JUST ANGRY AND FED UP AND TIRED AND UPSET AND FRUSTRATED LA.
I don't even have the energy or motivation to reply my friends' messages so I'm sorry lol. When I have the time (aka not studying or doing anything academic related), all I really want to do is just rest and not think about what to reply lol. It's really damn selfish la but I just really really really really REALLY want to spend time alone when I have the chance to (which is RARE).
I usually feel better after typing everything out but not this time round. I just feel like I'm barely even breathing or really living life anymore and idk lol lol lol.
And I'm supposed to write a eulogy for myself for one of my assignments lol. What can people remember me as except that girl who does nothing but study????? I know everybody has a choice and is responsible for their own life and happiness (and this I know fully well because it's been repeated again and again in Counseling Psych A LOT) but right now I just feel like I don't have a choice but to just study and get good grades. Because really with all the standards nowadays, can I really choose to not do well in school??
Sorry if I made absolutely no sense at all lol because I myself don't even understand where this is going or where I'm even going lol
Why am I doing all this though??????????
P.S. ok lol I think I'm just falling sick
P.S. ok lol I think I'm just falling sick
let God lead the way ~~~~~~~ Also don't worry bout the eulogy you should have a shit load to write about cos you ossumpossum and will be remembered esp by me (sounds like i want you to die but no no no i really don't) and take care ok hehe less than 5 hours of sleep is a big no
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