even in the dust, we shine

I don't know how to go about this post without sounding like I'm bragging but it's been something I've been thinking about a lot in light of the recent university-applications-rush & the sudden realization that we're about to graduate: 

I know it seems like I don't deserve to be stressed or worried or scared but I am. I have an almost perfect GPA, I could possibly have a chance in graduating third place of my cohort, the least I'm going to graduate with is a "Diploma with Merit" and I already got accepted into the university I've always wanted to go (with a bond-free scholarship to boot). 

So what do I have to worry about? 

How about the fact that I REALLY can't screw up Major Project now because I might lose that chance of graduating in third place? Or about that aching feeling in my chest because I so badly want and have been praying to be valedictorian but also how impossible it sounds and why I have never told anyone because it seems like a laughable joke?? 

There is so much (self-exerted) pressure on me to be good and every time I don't exceed that expectation I feel like an embarrassment. I'm so so so so close to the end and to prove to myself that all the hard work I've put in and tears I've shed and sacrifices I've made in the past year studying were all worth it.

I know I'm already doing well by society's standards and I don't "deserve" to worry but I just really really really really want to be good enough for myself.