day 199/670

I've only know you for slightly over 10 months but in this short span of time you've already seen me at my most raw and vulnerable. 

I constantly talk about you here on my blog and while things are going almost perfect and you're everything I could ever ask for, I still can't help but fear for the day that everything we have now would be (gone). 

It scares me to even imagine having to start over with someone new and have them learn all the little quirks and habits I have that you know at the back of your hand. When will they start to realize that I hate it when people hold my hand and rest their fingers on my nails, or how I like to mix my chili and tomato sauce? When will they start to learn that I like being on the left of someone else, or that I can't watch action movies for long before getting nauseous? Will they remember to remind me not to eat so fast lest I get bloated (for the seventh time that month) or immediately help me refill my waterbottle whenever it gets empty like you always do? 

Will I cringe every time I pass by the area you stay or when it reaches the 20th of the month? What would happen to our special "couple rituals", like how you automatically kiss the top of my head when I turn to kiss your shoulder (only possible because of our height difference) or how our secret sign for "I love you" is rubbing each other's thumb when we hold hands? Will they spend 5 minutes each night just saying their goodnight's and I love you (so so much)'s to me at least 3 times, and will they get excited over bunny stickers on Telegram and proceed to spam 7 at one go like you do? 

The past relationship(s) I've had never made me feel like it was going anywhere and eventually separating ways was always the outcome I've been used to. You're the first person I've been with that makes me feel like we do have a shot at this. We go about talking about future plans (e.g. "when we get a house can we just have a room solely for our 38 pets and make it a mini farm") like its no big deal (well come to think of it 38 pets = pretty big deal)(his idea, not mine) but I still can't help being afraid. 

But I guess at the end of the day.. you're still here like you promised. There really is nothing I can do about the uncertainties the future will bring but I can focus on the present... And focus on being happy now. 

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On another more relevant and current news, just 2 more days of no contact from you before 10 days of block leave for CNY!!!!!! Speaking of which, nobody told me how hard it is coordinating 拜年 visits with your s/o omg halp the stress is real